Sunday, December 31, 2023

The Weight of Emptiness


 Look closely...there is something there.  Just a weathered shell now, but once it was full.  Full of joy and life and, yes, at times sorrow but, nonetheless, full.
There was a time when no one could imagine that it would be abandoned and forgotten...empty.
 Forever empty. 


This strange and wretched year has left me numb and empty.
In the space of less than 13 months, I have known more death than I care to: My beloved Snowdog, my precious mother, an uncle, two aunts, a cousin, a friend, as well as my sister-in-law's brother and my sister's sister-in-law.  


And, a month ago, my husband of 35 years passed away.

Things had not been well with us for some time, but the circumstances of his passing were horrific and something I still cannot bring myself to speak of.




Each and every one of the passings took a piece of me...especially Mason's and my mother's.
But this one...this one cut me to the quick.

Perhaps it was the culmination of it all...perhaps it was the circumstances.
Or maybe it was what was left unsaid and undone...and what was said and done in equal measure.


In any event, I am not the person I was, nor are there enough pieces left to pick up to put me back together.

I cannot put into words the emptiness it left me with.  It was like a cold, dark, shroud enveloped me.


The utter nothingness is overwhelming and has challenged everything I have believed.  It is a different kind of grief.



I never knew that emptiness could weigh so heavily.

34 comments:

Saundra said...

Dear sweet Robin, your words have penetrated me deeply and reminded me of my losses. Praying for you to have a healing and more peaceful year ahead.

Primitive Stars said...

Oh Dear Robin, my heart hurts for you as I have been thinking of you often. Tears flow as I read your post, I’m So so sorry for all you have lost in the year. The heartache is unbearable, the grieving weighs so so heavy…. In the new year I do hope somehow somewhere you find some comfort, sending love and hugs. Blessings Francine.

Elaine said...

I write my blog just as kind of a diary, hadn't much thought of any one paying any attention to it and never stopped to think about other bloggers posting things I would be interested to read. I do not know what sent me to find you tonight, but something sure did. I was just looking at my page thinking about what to write and it hit me, I haven't heard from Robin, the only reader I have in a while. For the first time, it occurred to me to click on your name and discover your blog and your heart wrenching post. I am so very sorry for all you have been through, a nightmare no one should be facing. I send prayers, praying for some comfort to reach you and some sun to shine upon you.
Elaine

acorn hollow said...

Dear Robin you list of losses are heart wrenching. And no one person should endure that kind of heart smashing loss. I truly wish I could reach out and hug you. Did I read at one point you have a little grand? They can make glimmers of sunshine shine through a broken heart.
Thinking and praying for you
Cathy

yaya said...

Oh Robin, I'm so sorry for all the losses you've had this year. I feel so bad that I didn't know your husband had also passed away. Blogging, like other social media, makes friends out of people we really don't know in the real world. I wish I lived in your neck of the woods so I could come and give you some real, heart felt comfort. Nod is cold and naked this time of year and I really feel bad that you are hurting this New Year's Eve and post Christmas. If I could send a magic spell for you I would send some warmth and friendship and the knowledge that you are loved and appreciated in this social media part of the world. All I can say is take care and I'm praying for you and sending hugs from Ohio to Nod.

Prims By The Water said...

To my dear sweet Robin. I have known you for many many years now via blogging and it pains me to hear about all of your losses, especially hearing now about your husband. Even though Nod (WI) is so very dreary and cold and snowy this time of year, know that you have many blogging friends out here that care a whole heck of a lot about you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I sure do hope that 2024 finds you in a better place my friend. Janice

marly said...

I don't know what to say. Your heartache is so deep that words may not reach. I so wish there was something we could offer. Your friends here care deeply and can only hope that time will offer some healing. Please keep posting.

Sandra said...

Dear Robin, I am so sorry for all your losses in the past year, it sounds as though you are in a dark place and I do hope that you have family and friends around you who can help you recover. Just writing about it here on your blog is a step forward, you will know that all your readers are thinking about you and have great sympathy, I can't imagine what it must be like to lose so many. I cried when I read about you losing your precious dog and I'm crying now. Please take care and look after yourself.

jabblog said...

I am so very sorry to read of your grievous losses. The cold will thaw, the emptiness refill when time has passed. Grief will not be hurried. Take care. Janice.

JustGail said...

I'm so sorry about your losses this year. I know those words are pitifully little help, especially when it comes to recovering from your husbands passing. (((hugs)))

Rugs and Pugs said...

Dear ET...there are just no words I can express to let you know how deeply sorry I am at all you have endured in the last year. No one person should have so much sorrow to come to grips with. Know that I, and many other blog friends, care deeply about you.
Sending love and hugs.

Linda said...

I cannot add anything more to what the others have so eloquently said. Your post was truly heartwrenching. My thoughts are with you.

susan hemann said...

So much loss!!! Big hug from me. It's especially hard when a relationship was not what you hoped for or longed for, what it could have possibly been. The actual shrinking of the heart is both physical and mental. Wade through the muck of it all, slowly, at your pace. Eventually, there will be a light. It took me 2 years with moments of happiness stirred in. After your done, you can sit back and say who am I? How do I want my life to look now? The possibilities are there waiting for you.

Shrimpton and Perfect said...

Dear, dear Robin. How is it that you do not live next door? then I could come to see you and comfort you as best as possible. A terrible year of loss cutting deeply and encompassing you with sadness and grief. I have experienced similar levels of loss and grief, times feel very tough as there is no answer to grief and it is impossible to banish. Sadly I don't have any answers. But if it is at all possible I would like to send you some comfort through our online friendship. I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Peace. Hope. Strength. Love.

Heritage Hall said...

Robin dear ~ I cannot fathom the impact these losses have exacted on your soul and being...emptiness because of profound loss, numbness because of the shock ..... coming to terms with the realization of it all and the questioning, the questioning and quest for answers. You
have been a strong soul and I have long admired your tenacity.. Words
may not penetrate at the moment, but be assured,time and the merciful
love and prayers of others will slowly ignite the healing, slowly
filling your emptiness with hope and meaning... please, if you can,
be open to the assurance you are not alone...never alone... so many
care for you.

Farm Girl said...

Dear Robin. My prayer is someday you will laugh again.

Anonymous said...

The weight of your losses seems unmanageable. May 2024 be your year to grieve well.
In my thoughts, sheepunderfeet

NMK said...

Oh my goodness ...my heart aches for you ...everyone has written you such wonderful comments ...take care my friend and hope you find peace ...

Julia said...

Dear sweet friend, at this time we all usually wish each other "Happy New Year" because it's a tradition. This year it seems out of order somehow, but I still want you to have a happy new year.

Surely, it can't get any worse and hopefully, it will get better again. What you've been through in a year is enough to flatten anybody. You are so loved by your blogger friends and we all want to put some soothing balm on your broken heart.

I want to wrap my arms around you and soothe your tired spirit. You must be so fatigued from all the losses. You have been in my prayers and I'll continue to hold you in my prayers. Let our love give you strength. Take care of yourself because you matter a whole lot to us.

May only good things happen to you this year.
Hugs, love, and prayers.
Julia ❤️

Hill Top Post said...

Oh, dearest Robin. I have no words... just, as Julie said above, hugs, love, and prayers.

Dicky Bird said...

Robin!! Unreal!
Hugs from this side of Nod to that side. I am close enough to give you a real one when you would like it....

Nancy said...

A loss is never "just that," though it feels so. There is/will be some gain. You must believe that! Be patient, nurture yourself in this Season of shadows.
Much love,
Nancy Duncan
Nancy

Lori from Notforgotten Farm said...

dear friend ~
heavy hearts will lighten through time.
time, on the other hand, is something that can never be measured.
hoping your heart-load lightens sooner than later.

Trace4J said...

May our Heavenly Dad wrap you in HIS arms and give you comfort.
I’m so very sorry. I wish I could give you a g giant hug.
Know you’re never alone.
Love Trace

Wendy @ Ravenwood Whimzies said...

Oh Robin - How my heart aches for your pain after reading this moving post. I cannot fathom how your are feeling and I won't pretend to. I do know that unexpected death has touched my life as well, and the emptiness of it never truly fades...the things left undone and unsaid weigh heavily. I know that sometimes a broken heart can lead to a better understanding of ourselves and our life. I am praying that time will heal you friend....

Mary @ Neat and Tidy said...

My heart hurts for you. You will heal, but give yourself all the time you need.

Angie said...

So very sorry for all of the heartache you're experiencing. May you find some peace and comfort soon!

C M Designs said...

Just happened to stop by your blog this morning. I'm wondering how much
is a person supposed to experience, to deal with.
Am sorry for the grief that you're going through.
2023 was a horrible year for me, diagnosed with cancer for the
second time at 82 years old.
Four major surgeries and now chemo. I will BEAT it !
You, with time, will be yourself again.
God bless you with happiness again in your life.
Charlotte in Va.

Janet-Olde Crow Primitives said...

Robin, I am so sorry to hear of all your losses. I hope time brings you comfort and healing.

Anonymous said...

Robin,
I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you are surviving day to day. Wishing you my best.

Cindy Huxtable.

Anonymous said...

You have been on my mind all week. Please know there are people thinking about you. I hope it helps in some way.

cindy huxtable

Wanda McColl said...

Dear Robin, I have just read this post and I am so very sorry. Thinking about you and praying for you.

My Colonial Home said...

My heart hurts so deeply for you dear Robin!!!
May you find comfort and peace as time goes on...easier said than done I'm sure but I pray it does happen.
Blessings
Karen